It’s that magical time of year again- families come together to celebrate traditions, make new memories, eat delicious food, and talk about what diet they plan to start in the New Year.
Nothing says “Happy Holidays” like Aunt Sally nitpicking if you should really choose bread AND mashed potatoes. Or Uncle John interrogating you about your choice to have dessert after “eating so much”.
Understandably for many of us, the holidays bring just as much dread and anxiety as it does excitement. It is difficult to be in the moment and enjoy spending time with family when we have to be on the defense dodging verbal slaps to the face.
While you can’t control the diet culture BS your family subscribes to, it can be helpful to prepare ahead of time for any harmful comments they might say to reduce their negative impact on your peace this holiday season.
That’s why I created this guide- to give you the confidence of knowing practical tips for setting boundaries, responding to triggering comments, and coping with the emotional labor of being on the defense against diet culture nonsense.
Understanding the “Why” Behind Diet Talk
Before we dive into the “strategies” part, it can be helpful to put into context the “why”. Why do your relatives, or even friends, engage in diet talk in the first place?
There are obviously many reasons, but one of the biggest is that they have been taught to value thinness and health. Both of which are seen as interchangeable. “You cannot have health without thinness AND to be thin is to be healthy.”
This value is REPEATEDLY shoved down their throats with every form of media consumed. They also hear it through recommendations at doctor’s appointments, during social interactions with their community, and throughout many other aspects of their lives.
To not be seen as thin or healthy is to be met with blatant criticism and shame for their undesired bodies. That freaking sucks! It is so incredibly painful to feel unworthy or unwanted because of your body.
And to top it all off- they are BLAMED for their undesired bodies. They are shamed into believing that they are eating too much, not eating the right foods, not exercising enough, not doing the right type of exercises- the list goes on and on.
That’s when diet culture steps in. It becomes that answer to end their pain. It gives them hope- if they were to lose weight, if they were to be healthy- they would be accepted.
This leads them down the endless road of trying every diet and adopting every food rule in the pursuit of thinness and health. So, when the holidays come around and food is plenty, they are ready to dish out their knowledge alongside the mashed potatoes.
Does this all excuse their behavior? No. Does that mean they aren’t harming you with their “well-intentioned” comments? Fuck no.
However, your ability to put into context their “why” can help to reduce the emotional impact their actions might have on your peace. Likewise, we don’t necessarily know the exact details of their own relationship with food.
Maybe their brain is so undernourished from dieting, all they think about is food and how they want to change their body. Maybe they’re projecting their own insecurities and body concerns onto you with the goal of “helping”. Or maybe they’re just straight up jerks spreading their anti-fatness beliefs and reveling in the “moral superiority” of their healthism. Who knows.
Whatever they’re going through does NOT mean how you choose to nurture and nourish your body this holiday season is wrong (nor that your body is wrong).
You are the expert of your body. You have the right to feel confident about the choices you make for it.
With that said, let’s discuss some tangible things you can do and say to protect yourself against diet talk this holiday season.
How to Respond to Common Diet Talk Scenarios
A significant source of holiday stress probably comes from the ANTICIPATION of what relatives might say about your body or your plate.
What if they say something rude, and that’s all you can think about for the rest of the day? Maybe even looking back hours later, you wished you would have said something- like set a boundary or called out their behavior- but couldn’t think of anything in the moment.
It can be really helpful having a few responses prepared ahead of time that you can then quickly use in your moment of need. Below is a list of different diet talk scenarios that commonly happen during the holiday season. The responses for each scenario are broken down into three comfort levels: the gentle redirect, the firm boundary, and the sassy retort.
Before your next family gathering, look through the list and pick out a couple responses that resonate with you. You could even have a few options displayed on your phone’s wallpaper or lock screen for easy access. Or you could save this blog and use it as a “choose your own retort” sort of resource.
Either way, by taking a little time before the event to prepare, you can potentially reduce the anticipatory anxiety of navigating diet talk.
The “New Diet” Monologue
“This new diet has been so AMAZING! So far, I’ve lost X pounds and feel great. You just have to cut out carbs, fat, and protein. You should try it!”
- Gentle Redirect: “That’s interesting. How was your vacation to ______ this summer?”
- Firm Boundary: “I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you, but I’m not interested. It’s important for me to focus on my body’s needs rather than following a diet.”
- Sassy Retort: “No wonder you lost weight- you’re only allowed water. I prefer to eat a variety of foods that nourish my body and mind. No thanks.”
Comments About Your Plate
“Wow, you’re going back for more? I could never eat that much. I’m so full already!”
- Gentle Redirect: “Those mashed potatoes are calling my name! I better go get some more before they’re gone.”
- Firm Boundary: “I’d appreciate it if we could keep comments about how much I’m eating off of the table.”
- Sassy Retort: “I’d rather focus on enjoying my meal than judging other people’s plates.”
Body Change Comments
“You look so great- have you lost weight? Tell me your secrets.” OR “You look like you’ve put on a few pounds. Stress from school/work getting to you?”
- Gentle Redirect: “It’s normal for bodies to change. How’s the project at work going?”
- Firm Boundary: “I’d prefer to not talk about my body- let’s catch up on something else instead!”
- Sassy Retort: “I haven’t seen you in a year and this is the most interesting thing you want to talk about? Not how’s school/work, but how my body has changed?”
Pushing Food Rules
“Do you really think you should eat mashed potatoes and bread? It’s not good for you to eat a lot of carbs for one meal.”
- Gentle Redirect: “They’re both so good, I’ve decided to eat both. What’s your favorite dish Grandma makes?”
- Firm Boundary: “I’m enjoying both without guilt. I believe all foods can fit into a balanced life.”
- Sassy Retort: “I didn’t know Grandma invited the food police today. Do you get paid overtime for working on a holiday?”
Sharing Weight Loss “Success” Stories
“I feel SO much better now that I have lost X pounds over the last couple of months- it’s like night and day. I can’t believe I had let myself go so much last year and gained all that weight.”
- Gentle Redirect: “That’s interesting- so what’s been the highlight of your year so far?”
- Firm Boundary: “It’s great that you feel good, but I’m focusing on how I feel physically and mentally rather than losing weight.”
- Sassy Retort: “Huh, didn’t you say the same thing last Christmas with the diet you were on, or am I mistaken?”
Projecting Food Guilt
“I really shouldn’t be eating this. I’ll just have to make sure I hit the gym tomorrow to get back on track.”
- Gentle Redirect: “It’s okay to enjoy the foods you love over the holidays! Speaking of which- that pie is calling my name.”
- Firm Boundary: “Food is meant to be enjoyed- I’m choosing to let go of food guilt rather than beating myself up.”
- Sassy Retort: “You do realize you don’t have to earn your food right? Exercise isn’t currency you exchange for the ability to eat cookies.”
Unwelcome “Health” Advice
“My favorite creator on social media said you should eat within a 12-hour time frame and pick mainly foods that come from the ground. Maybe you should try that for weight loss.”
- Gentle Redirect: “Thanks for your concern, but that sounds way too restrictive for me. I’m focusing on listening to what my body needs right now.”
- Firm Boundary: “I’d rather not talk about what I’m eating or my weight. I know what is best for me.”
- Sassy Retort: “Let me guess- they followed that ‘advice’ with a program or supplement they’re trying to sell.”
Comparison to Others
“Your cousin has been looking really great lately! She’s been really focusing on going to the gym every day and improving her diet. Maybe you should ask her for some tips.”
- Gentle Redirect: “That’s great for her. What’s something exciting that’s happening in your life right now?”
- Firm Boundary: “We all have our own journeys. I’m focusing on showing myself more kindness and self-compassion right now.”
- Sassy Retort: “You know it’s rude to compare people like that, right?”
The “New Year’s Resolutions” Talk
“Well, this is the last hurrah before I start the vegan, paleo, intermittent fasting diet in January! I better enjoy myself while I can. What diet are you starting in the New Year?”
- Gentle Redirect: “I’m not interested in New Year resolutions. What’s a meaningful goal you’re setting for yourself next year?”
- Firm Boundary: “I’m skipping the diet resolutions and prioritizing learning a new skill instead. I’m no longer focused on changing my body.”
- Sassy Retort: “And what- deal with the uncontrollable eating and guilt fest in February when that diet fails- no thank you. Not interested.”
Questions About Your Mental Health/Eating Disorder Recovery
“How has treatment been for your eating disorder? Is that dietitian helping you lose weight?”
- Gentle Redirect: “Sorry, I really need to use the restroom. I’ll be right back.” (And then take 5 or more minutes by yourself away from them.)
- Firm Boundary: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about my recovery. This is a private matter.”
- Sassy Retort: “It’s interesting you think my dietitian should be helping me to lose weight. Especially given how social pressures to make bodies smaller was one of my triggers in the first place.”
Practical Tips for Dealing With Diet Talk
Sometimes even preparing for the conversations alone is not enough to survive diet talk. If you don’t feel confident setting boundaries or changing the topic, using the talking points you prepared will be challenging.
Don’t worry- I’ve got you covered. Listed below are additional tips and tools to add to your anti-diet talk arsenal. They are meant to provide support in nurturing your mind and body both during and after any family gatherings this holiday season.
Read through the list and pick at least 1 or 2 options to add to your action plan.
1. Set Firm Boundaries in Advance
Depending on how safe or comfortable you feel with the people in attendance, consider setting boundaries ahead of time. Set a ground rule of not discussing diets or weight loss as a group, so you don’t feel singled out. Having clear expectations may allow them to be more mindful of the topics they bring up in conversations.
2. Recruit Allies for Extra Support
Sometimes, we need extra support to encourage us to set boundaries or to get us out of harmful conversations. If there is someone you feel safe with, reach out to them a few days before the family gathering.
Share with them your concerns and specify how they can support you in navigating diet talk. Consider having a code word that lets them know you need to leave the conversation and take some space to mentally recover. Or maybe ask them to back you up with setting boundaries around trickier family members.
Ultimately, having someone on your side can increase your confidence in voicing or meeting your needs to protect your peace.
3. Take Breaks When Needed
Before you head to the family gathering, identify any spaces you can retreat to if you need to take a break and regroup. It might be the bathroom, a spare bedroom, or (depending on the weather) the back porch. That way when you’re feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated, you can access the privacy needed to cope and recharge.
It’s also helpful to check in with yourself every 1-2 hours to see if you need a break. That way, you avoid being surprised 3 hours into the celebration by overwhelming feelings or exhaustion (making it harder to recover later).
4. Leave the Conversation
It can feel rude and uncomfortable, but you are 100% allowed to leave a conversation that is harmful (even if it’s a little bit harmful). It is more important for you to protect your well-being than to listen to someone’s weight loss monologue.
One of the easiest ways to leave a conversation is the good old “I need to use the restroom” excuse. This phrase allows you to excuse yourself, hide in the bathroom, and take a few minutes by yourself to regroup. Once you feel ready, you can find someone else to socialize with (maybe who’s even your previously identified ally).
5. Have Coping Strategies Ready-To-Go
It cannot be recommended enough- create a plan before the celebration. It is SO HARD to think of ways to help you feel better when you’re already emotionally and mentally depleted.
Make a list of different activities or coping tools that help you to recover from feeling overwhelmed, harmed, or triggered. When you get home, you can choose 1-3 activities from a list rather than coming up with something on the spot.
6. Plan for Recovery the Next Day
Even if the family gathering goes really well, you will probably still feel drained. It takes a lot of energy to anticipate and plan for the day (in addition to the actual socialization and celebration part).
Give yourself permission to just rest and recharge the next day- save the laundry for another time. Trust me, your brain and body will thank you for it.
Let’s be honest- navigating (and even surviving) diet talk is an incredibly difficult and draining task. Our society is obsessed with its pursuit of thinness and health, so much so that their discussion has become a normalized part of the holidays.
It’s not surprising that Aunt Sally polices your food choices or recommends the latest Instagram-promoted diet. To her, everyone is striving to become thin in the name of health, so she assumes you “probably are too” and wants to help.
With that said- it does not give her free reign to harm your relationship with food or your body. Even with the best intentions, she can still do harm.
Rather, it is 100% okay to set boundaries, shut down conversations, and even walk away to protect your peace.
Remember, you are the expert of how you nurture and nourish your body. You’re allowed to voice what you need.
